the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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