no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
