I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
