singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
