He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize