WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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