At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
