She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
