I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I could fuck to npr.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
