i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
