idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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