Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize