i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
