I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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