Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
