you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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