She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
