I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
