I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
