I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my poor anus
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
