oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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