There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
