I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
