Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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