Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
