Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
