i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
