the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize