i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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