Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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