Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
