Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
