It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
