So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
