When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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