i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
