dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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