I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
