i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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