I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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