don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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