I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
