I wish I only lived at night.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
