You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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