her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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