textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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