I just cut my nipple shaving
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
