I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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