He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
