My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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