eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize