well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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