that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
