It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
