By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
