last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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