My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
