I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
