why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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