I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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