Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize