And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
